Almighty Pink Slip

Teresa Cortez makes her debut this week at cavalcadeofstars with a very serious job.

Almighty Pink Slip
By Teresa Cortez
Teresa originally published this story at Fictionaut.

I fired God today. He wasn’t showing up for work, slept through meetings, wrote ambiguous memos and killed too many innocents. Things just weren’t working out. So I called him into my office where it took him a while to get settled. The orange vinyl chair didn’t suit him so he waved an Eames in its place. After he asked for a cup of water (just to make my life difficult) he said he needed to go to the bathroom. That took a while. When he finally returned he fell into the Eames with dramatic flair and gave me one of those looks God always gives, a display of indignation that hisses, why are we wasting my precious time? As if he won’t live forever.

I had to take control of the meeting so I said, “You know why you’re here.” Which he did, being omniscient. Then came the waterworks. Good grief, I felt so manipulated. What was I supposed to do? I handed him a box of Kleenex as I pushed a teetering skyscraper of reports across my desk, “You’ve been written up 794,000,001 times this year alone. If I let you get away with crap, I have to let everyone get away with crap. But no — if they screw up it’s Dante’s inferno or worse. Now where’s the fair in that? It’s time for you to be accountable, mister.”

He didn’t remark on the damning paperwork nor did he say goodbye. He just stormed out of my office (literally), taking with him both the Eames and the picture we’d taken together in Maui last summer. I thought of Steve Martin in The Jerk.

I’ve gotten calls from prospective employers already and am unable to answer their cloaked question regarding “eligibility for rehire”. I can tell you one thing for damn sure – he won’t be working here anymore. He took advantage, never cleaned up after himself, claimed “mysteriousness” and shit. Since when have murderers and white-collar crooks been able to use that line? “My behavior is a mystery. Have faith in the mystery.” It didn’t work for Dahmer or Enron.

I never understood why such a ubiquitous omnipotent guy found it so difficult to return my calls. Why does he bother to work at all? He’s a power addict, that’s why. He can wave a hot dog or foie gras into being any time he wants, but he wants us to speak in tongues. That’s his entertainment. He actually has what he calls “Moron Movie Night” with popcorn, Diet Black Cherry Shasta and Milk Duds. He laughs his ass off. He invited me over once for a show with cast members from Joy Baptist Church in Raleigh, NC. The women were competing for air time, shoving each other out-of-the-way. There was even a fatality. His film library is full of similar scenes. I didn’t get his humor but focused on the dark goo of Dud adhered to his left canine which inspired adequate laughter. He was so caught up in his own amusement he never noticed my deception, or so I choose to believe.

He can blow into another sand pile and create infinite mega-empires of unsuspecting employers. He doesn’t need me.

Bio

Teresa Cortez blogs at 6S Social Network and her website http://wabisabiwords.blogspot.com She has published essays in the Houston Chronicle’s Among Friends and Texas Magazine. She has kept a journal for thirty-seven years.

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About vision791

Pushcart nominee Jeanette Cheezum has been published on several online writing sites and in fifteen Anthology books and four poetry books. Three of these books have made the New York Times Best Sellers list. Awarded The Helium Networks Premium Writer’s Badge, Bronze Creative Writing Award and a Marketplace Writers award. Recently she has published thirteen ebooks at Barnes and Noble and Amazon. You may find a list of some of her work at www.hamptonroadswriters.org
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9 Responses to Almighty Pink Slip

  1. Tara says:

    Loved it! Great humor.

  2. Gita says:

    Brilliant, funny and dark. My kind of pleasurable reading. This belongs in The New Yorker, if you ask me.
    Hey, the next time you speak to God, ask him/her, “what’s up with creating fire ants?”

  3. boltoncarley says:

    teresa – you can fire him if you want, but he sure did make you a helluva gifted writer! your business perspective of this was definitely a unique change-up. great creativity as always!

  4. Great God Almighty, talk about your difficult subordinates! All you could do was send him packing. Clever, irreverent and FUNNY!

  5. mdjb says:

    Enjoyed the gentle sense of humor expressed here.It sounds like an employer who’s trying to come off all tough and blustery, who yet cannot help but pull back just a little in the presence of an Unknown Quantity. I love you more than ever.

  6. Bobbie troy says:

    Very clever, indeed. A great read. Entertainment supremo. I love this line: I never understood why such a ubiquitous omnipotent guy found it so difficult to return my calls. All those guys who think they’re God should get pink slips. That would keep the pink-slip printers busy!

  7. Diana E. Backhouse says:

    An entertaining read, Teresa. I can’t come up with an interesting comment of my own (dead brain!), so will just echo what Michael had to say.

  8. Teresa, it’s been a pleasure having you at cavalcadeofstars. I wish all the people that looked at this commented. The humor was delightful.

  9. This is too funny, Teresa! I laughed from hook to ending.

Comments are closed.