Bolton Carley

Bolton Carley returns this week to entertain us with prose poetry.

ABC…1,2,3-Envy me!

Absolutely the perfect day:

Bare Naked Ladies on the radio,

Cool breeze coming in the window,

Dancing hip-hop, tango, two-step

Even a little waltzing,

Finally falling onto the couch

Gasping for breath and gulping water,

Hungry for Cheetos and

Ice cream,

Just the right combo to

Kick-start a glorified day of playing hooky.

Let the co-workers bitch.

Management can kiss my ass!

Nobody’ll be telling me what to do today!

Oh, no! This is my well-deserved day!

Preach it to the choir, honey!

Quittin’ time came early this week –

Right before I told ‘em to take this job and

Shove it up their …

Telling me what to do while

Up to their eyeballs in

Video games and Wii tournaments

While we slave away like

Xerox copy machines churning out

Yellowing sheets of drivel assigned by over-

Zealous wanna-bes headed up the corporate ladder….

&^]]$#!+

Common Decency (or Not)

No, no!
No, it’s not okay…
She’s boiling upwards to a stringent red like a thermometer,
Mortified,
Backing away, like from a bee about to sting.
No, no!
No, it’s not okay.
Hatred seeps out like steam from a teapot,
Horrified,
Fearful like a sales-checker announcing a price on condoms.
No, no!
No, it’s not okay.
Glossed over like the lighthouse flood light catching her eyes,
Terrorized,
Traumatized by news broadcast like live radio:
No, no!
No, it’s not okay
To invite your daughter to your sex toy party!

Phone Call

Hello?
Hey.
Fine.
You?
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Say what?
You can’t be serious.
Nuh-huh…
Run that by me again.
You know that doesn’t really happen.
No effing way!
Seriously?
How is that even possible?
She had to have known.
She had to have!
No.
Nuh-huh.
Not possible.
There had to be clues.
Nuh-huh.
Are you freaking kidding me?
None?
And it wasn’t you?
And you’re okay with this?
Are you sure?
And you’re not messin’ with me?
Uh…
I’m not really sure what you want me to say here…
What comes to mind?
Well…
Little Brother,
You’re tellin’ me that you’re
At the hospital with your girlfriend
Who just had a baby but
Didn’t know she was pregnant
And it isn’t yours
But you’re going to raise it?
So…
Ooooo…K… I guess?
Love you, too.
Bye.

HOLY SHITBALLS, BATMAN!

Can I have an Amen?

Blessed Lord, be with Grandpa

As he makes his final journey to be with

You and Grandma. Don’t tell anybody

But I packed him a fifth of whiskey under

His dress coat, I figured you’d understand. Also,

Please God, save me from the wrath of
my mother who gave me the
“you-broke-your-curfew” stare as I sauntered
in with Jagger.

Although his yellow-faced devil
Tattoo, pierced neck, and skull –n-crossbones
Boots suggest otherwise, he’s a great Guy.

God, you know he is. He even went with me
To the free clinic.

Plus, you know how mom gets. She’s
Like a Rottweiler with a T-bone when you tell her
Somethin’. Just please keep mom from making a
big scene at the luncheon when I announce we found
a place in Double-Wide Haven here in town so we
Can be close when Baby Spike’s born here in
About eight months.

Don’t know why Mother
Has to make such a spectacle of herself…
But thank you, Lord Jesus,
for seeing us through to Heaven’s
Main Event.

Sheila the Great

Sheila’s so “seasoned” –
She’s sensitive, sympathetic, shocking, and spectacular.
She’s the whole shebang…

Sometimes, she’s a simple Southerner
Swirlin’ her straw in her sweet tea swill
And sometimes, she’s sophisticated and suave
Swooning over sweet strawberries and chocolat.

Sheila’s show-stopping.
She sniffs out stories and
She shares her secrets with the socialites
Over Sangria or shots of Schnapps or even Schlitz (shhh..)
Shortly after, showing up on stage
To shimmy, shake, and swing her stuff while
Singing songs soulfully like Cher

She’s superlative.
She shines at sports –
She stretches, swims, and skeet shoots
She slides skillfully on skis, skates, or even snowshoes

She’s a selfless Samaritan –
She sews shirts and shorts for struggling Sudanese
She showers soldiers with survival kits
She supplies sanctuary for wounded sparrows
And says silent supplications to our Savior.

Sheila’s simply sensational.
She’s so saccharine sweet –
Still, she’s surprising.
She’s sugar to your salt
She’s the spice in your salsa
She’s soda with sour skittles

She’s stellar…
She’s so special, that Sheila.
Shit!
Why’s she gotta be my sister?

Bio:
Bolton Carley is a blogger, writer, wife, jack of a few trades, farmer’s daughter, and seeker of a good agent. Her humorous life lessons blog can be found at http://www.boltoncarley.wordpress.com, her poetry surfaces at http://www.boltoncarley.blogspot.com, and her young adult verse novel, Hello, Summer Vacay! can be purchased at http://www.amazon.com, or you can catch her flash fiction at 6S and her random thoughts on Twitter at boltoncarley@twitter.com .

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About vision791

Pushcart nominee Jeanette Cheezum has been published on several online writing sites and in fifteen Anthology books and four poetry books. Three of these books have made the New York Times Best Sellers list. Awarded The Helium Networks Premium Writer’s Badge, Bronze Creative Writing Award and a Marketplace Writers award. Recently she has published thirteen ebooks at Barnes and Noble and Amazon. You may find a list of some of her work at www.hamptonroadswriters.org
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10 Responses to Bolton Carley

  1. Great work Bolton, my fave is Sheila The Great!

  2. Anonymous says:

    I am so trippin’ out over the daughter at the sex toy party that students in the lab where I work have actually stopped texting and are looking at me like, “she’s a hot mess!”
    Taken as a collection, these are actually a vivid picture of the people swirling around a woman who could be any of us: Family, co-workers, friends — aggravating as hell at times but nevertheless beloved — give us constant fodder for writing and humor. Love these and look forward to the book.

  3. Anonymous says:

    HEY! That anonymous comment was left by Gita. It won’t take my name for some reason.

  4. Kristine_ES says:

    Well hey there! I liked all of these. Mostly what I liked/appreciated was ABC and Sheila. Dedicating yourself to following a format (whether A-Z or alliteration) isn’t always easy, but these came naturally and more importantly, I liked what you had to tell us. Uh, Amen, and embrace your inner combat boot blessing in disguise. : )

    • From zealous wannabes to free clinics and surprise baby daddys! Then a parade of S’s you want to excise from the family tree. You crack me up as always. No one passes beneath your radar.

  5. kathleengabriel says:

    Great schtuff, as usual, Bolton! Love it. I cackled over Common Decency (Or Not). Keep up the weird… err, I mean wonderful work!

  6. Great collection – hard to pick a favorite because each rocks in its own way. (although if someone pressed a gun against my temple I’d lean towards “Can I Have An Amen”). Great visual imagery – love how you lay a description out there and in a few words it tells you everything you need to know about a person/place (“you know how mom gets. She’s like a Rottweiler with a T-bone when you tell her somethin’”…..that says it all). I think that beneath the humor and laughs, you’ve done a tremendous job portraying a real slice of life that is closer to the truth in most people’s lives than they want to acknowledge.

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