My world’s compressed around me,
Warping my environment,
So that those in my orbit
Keep their distance
Through fear of being pulled down
Beyond the horizon of events
That draws me into myself
As they watch me disintegrate into darkness.
While to me everything appears normal.
I petrify myself.
Beat myself up.
Bully myself into submission.
Humiliate and ridicule myself in front of everyone
As I put myself down,
Make myself feel incapable and incompatible-
Punishing myself for no reason.
I’m afraid of myself?
Afraid of what I may do,
Of what may happen if I try anything?
Why am I so frightened?
For, after all, who is this bully?
Am I not bigger and better than him?
Perched on the edge of a great precipice,
My feet placed firmly on the ledge,
Wondering whether I can fly/
Worrying that I will fall.
Do I take this leap of faith,
And let go?
Throw myself to the mercy of the winds-
End up where I will?
Even if it means plunging the depths
As I drown in my fears?
Or do I remain where I am,
Admiring the view?
My dreams have been shattered,
Kicked in by those who throw stones,
Splintering my mind into fragments of who I was-
When I thought myself unbreakable,
Now fragile and brittle,
Cracked and open,
The wind crashing through me,
Standing defiantly in my frame.
I sit in the darkness
Drawing from light
Able to see from a distance
What’s happening beyond-
My world disappearing
My mind vacuumed by pulses
Radiating my space,
As I’m sucked into a network of tubes,
Travelling through time in an instant,
Culminating where I started.
If we were to know why we existed,
Would we be able to determine what we existed for?
Would there be reason to exist,
If we knew what that reason was?
Could we be certain of the answer,
If there was no question of uncertainty?
Would we endeavour to live
If life was not a problem?
O’ where is my Life?
Did I lose it?
Did I leave it behind?
Did I ever have it?
O’ where is my life?
Why isn’t it here?
Where it should be?
Instead of wherever it is?
Was I given a life?
Was it taken from me?
And to whomever took it,
Where was yours?
Slow and steady brings longevity,
Fast and loose nurtures brevity,
As you find yourself racing time,
Sprinting towards the winning line.
But before you do, you’re feeling spent,
Wondering where the time has went.
While it leaves you lagging in its wake,
Catching up with what’s at stake.
Anthony Ward has been writing in his spare time for a number of years. He has been published in a number of literary magazines including The Autumn Sound, The Faircloth Review, Word Gumbo, Four and Twenty, Drunk Monkeys, Underground, Torrid Literature Journal and The Rusty Nail, amongst others.